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For winter’s rains and ruins are over,
And all the seasons of snows and sins;
The days of dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.

                       "Atalanta in Calydon"
                                     by
                      Algernon Charles Swinburne

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Thursday
Oct202011

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When I was nine years old, one day my mother made an offhanded remark about how ugly I was. 

Before that day, I loved to sing, act, write, dance -- for as long as I can remember, since I was three years old at least. After that day, all that mattered to me was being seen as physically beautiful, or, failing that, desirable because I possessed some undeniable talent, or, failing that, becoming so famous that I would no longer be invisible - I wanted to be seen, appreciated, which for me meant that I would be loved.  

For me, “ugly” meant “worthless.”

I sang, but the thought “you are ugly” would cause my voice to falter and crack, and eventually I stopped singing. I danced, but the thought “you are ugly,” underlined every gesture I made, and when my dance teacher praised me and encouraged me to become a professional choreographer, I didn’t believe her. I wanted to act, but I convinced myself that I was too ugly to ever work as an actor, and I ran off to Paris, abandoning the last thing that gave me joy.

I spent an inordinate amount of energy and time trying to be beautiful, wishing I were beautiful, hoping that someone would find me beautiful.  I spent too much money on clothes, makeup, and fashion magazines.  I spent a lot of time hating the way I looked.

Then one day, in desperation, and realizing that life is indeed too short to live unhappily, I decided to give acting a true try.

That was twelve years ago. I have not achieved success as an actor, not by the common definition of the word, but I remind myself when I am low that I have done more than I could have imagined thirteen years ago. And that at least I gave it a shot.

Some years ago, I had misplaced the passport I had when I ran off to Paris twenty years ago. Last year I found it, and when I looked at my passport photo, I was stunned. I was beautiful, and never knew.  I was beautiful, simply because I was.

What is more, all these years I was so focused on my face that I was blind to true beauty, the only kind that lasts, and the beauty that is truly seen, appreciated, and makes one beloved. This beauty has many faces: kindness, generosity, honesty, courage, humor, devotion, selflessness, love... You will add more to the list as you live your lives, I am certain. Just know, that you are worthy, simply because you are. Embrace your life, and love yourself.

 

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