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Mia Paschal |
Thursday, October 20, 2011 at 02:20PM When I was nine years old, one day my mother made an offhanded remark about how ugly I was.
Before that day, I loved to sing, act, write, dance -- for as long as I can remember, since I was three years old at least. After that day, all that mattered to me was being seen as physically beautiful, or, failing that, desirable because I possessed some undeniable talent, or, failing that, becoming so famous that I would no longer be invisible - I wanted to be seen, appreciated, which for me meant that I would be loved.
For me, “ugly” meant “worthless.”
I sang, but the thought “you are ugly” would cause my voice to falter and crack, and eventually I stopped singing. I danced, but the thought “you are ugly,” underlined every gesture I made, and when my dance teacher praised me and encouraged me to become a professional choreographer, I didn’t believe her. I wanted to act, but I convinced myself that I was too ugly to ever work as an actor, and I ran off to Paris, abandoning the last thing that gave me joy.
I spent an inordinate amount of energy and time trying to be beautiful, wishing I were beautiful, hoping that someone would find me beautiful. I spent too much money on clothes, makeup, and fashion magazines. I spent a lot of time hating the way I looked.
Then one day, in desperation, and realizing that life is indeed too short to live unhappily, I decided to give acting a true try.
That was twelve years ago. I have not achieved success as an actor, not by the common definition of the word, but I remind myself when I am low that I have done more than I could have imagined thirteen years ago. And that at least I gave it a shot.
Some years ago, I had misplaced the passport I had when I ran off to Paris twenty years ago. Last year I found it, and when I looked at my passport photo, I was stunned. I was beautiful, and never knew. I was beautiful, simply because I was.
What is more, all these years I was so focused on my face that I was blind to true beauty, the only kind that lasts, and the beauty that is truly seen, appreciated, and makes one beloved. This beauty has many faces: kindness, generosity, honesty, courage, humor, devotion, selflessness, love... You will add more to the list as you live your lives, I am certain. Just know, that you are worthy, simply because you are. Embrace your life, and love yourself.
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